Home is Where the Heart Is

If I'm being truthful with myself, and others, this has been a ROUGH move on me.  We talked about the possibility of this job in Guam for so long and went back and forth with leadership in Minot as to whether our changes were looking good or not.  Anyways, that was emotional and draining.  We finally were mostly told it wasn't going to happen and then almost a month later we were told we'd likely have orders in a week.  I was pretty shocked.  Then there's the whole, I'm supportive of the move when it's hypothetical, but now it's really happening.  Looking back now, my feelings towards a move would likely be the same if we were moving a state away vs. half the world away, but it didn't feel like it for a long time. 

Mason has been great with me.  I guess after being my partner for 14 years, he know "how I am."  That doesn't necessarily mean it's easier.  I essentially went from cheerleader and number 1 fan to, digging my heels into the ground crying all the time about why was HE making me move halfway across the world, and why did HE do this to me, and I wasn't going with HIM.  Through these times he did what he does best, and remained mostly quiet.  He would hold my hand, wipe away tears, try to remind me that I don't like change and that they was "how I get".   (I'll throw in here that while most of this is typical Ellen behavior, being in the early weeks of a pregnancy in which I felt exhausted, nauseous, and hormonal didn't exactly help these emotions.)

I was feeling depressed.  I wanted to stay in bed a lot of days.  I wanted to be by myself a lot of days.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to sleep.  I wanted people to understand why I was feeling this way without having to tell them.  And I felt horrible about it.  My kids wanted a playful mom, my husband wanted a wife who was present or at least would occasionally make dinner.  I felt terrible that Mason was getting this dream job that he wanted for so long, and I was suddenly behaving so horribly towards him, the Air Force, and this relocation.  There were many nights where I clung to him as my lifeline.  Crying as we fell asleep.

Eventually things for the move had to fall into place, and they had to get done.  Some days I don't know how I made it until the end of the day.  I felt horrible having gatherings with friends who's husbands were upset about not getting assignments they wanted, or feeling like their careers weren't going places.  And here we were with the great job that we'd been pushing for for so long. 

In addition to pregnancy hormones, emotions, and side effects, my two boys seemed to have gone bonkers!  This has been a hard move with lots of transitions on them, but that hasn't helped my moods or "feeling like a winner" when I feel like the battle was lost with those two and that they were raising their flags as I was surrendering each day. 

But the thing is, anyone who knows Mason and I, should be able to see the connection between us, and see all the love that is there.  He's always there for me, even if it's not in the way I envision.  And while moving halfway across the world, so far from friends and family was so scary...I'd only want to do it with him.  What's best for all of us is to be together.  If he hadn't gotten this job, he'd be here on deployment and we'd be in Minot alone.  As my boys get older, it does not get easier having Mason gone.  They ask for him all the time when he's gone.  And while I have a really special connection with them as their mom, I'm also just not their dad and I can't completely fill that gap when he'd gone...even when I attempt to build legos or read superhero stories to them.

My heart is with Mason and where he goes, I will go, and that's where home is for us.  I think I cried daily for about two weeks when we got here, and then it was every other day, and then a week, and now things are getting better.  Mason was out of town this week at a work conference and I was pretty nervous about being alone with the boys who have still been CRAZY.  But, Mason comes home tomorrow and we've taken it easy this week and we've survived.  I still get those fluttery feelings when he's about to come home, even after all these years.  Day by day things are getting better for me, and I'm feeling better about being here and finding my place.  I'm grateful he still asks me to come on all these life journeys with him.