Deconfliction

Deconfliction is a term that Mason uses a lot with flying. From what I can gather it basically means finding the lesser of two evils or a way of changing something to avoid something conflicting with something else. I'm searching for that path or a guide to deconflict two areas of my life: being a mom and being a teacher.

I never thought that I would continue to work once I became a parent. When I found out I was pregnant in January, the decision to work or not work became a real decision that I had to make and it was not as easy as I had thought it would be. There are several reasons why I decided to go back and teach this year (in no particular order).

1. I've never quit a job without a reason beyond my control. I left my job as a swim teacher and lifeguard because I had to student teach, left my job at a photography studio because we moved to Texas, and left that job to move to Louisiana. Clearly Theo is reason enough to quit working, but I just don't have that quitter bone in me.

2. "Easy" Pregnancies are not to be taken lightly in my family. I thought there was a great possibility that it would take Mason and I a long time to conceive and then I was constantly worried about the possibility of miscarrying or other complications along the way. Some of these feelings because of family history, others because of friends experience, and some because I'm just a worry wart.

3. It is my feeling that teachers who truly enjoy teaching embrace their students like their own kids. Now this doesn't mean teacher like all of their students, but it means that for the most part there are some or many (in my case) that you worry about, care about, and feel like you need to be there for them. So in a way, I feel like I need to be there for my kids and that no one will do that the way I do- even if it's through sarcasm and humor.

4. The third year. For some reason the teaching the third year in the same content area is a BIG deal. This is my fifth year teaching, but it would be my third year in the same content area (high school) which means that at the end of this year I am able to apply to teach online virtual high school, apply for National Board Certification, and other perks here and there. Plus I just earned my Masters degree, and it would be nice to use that/ get paid for all my efforts.

5. My students have abandonment issues and I have walking away issues.

6. Working another year would add a lot to our savings account.

So all of these reasons, plus a few more led me to going back to work. I decided that I could handle starting off the year, going on maternity leave (although I'd have to give up some control-which has since turned in to a LOT of control), coming back just before winter break and then working the "short" spring semester. Not that big of a deal. Then, my entire world changed. Theo.

I want to spend everyday with Theo. The first two weeks I was home from the hospital words like, "job," "work," "school" made me bawl. This has mostly stopped, but the thought of going back to work has me very stressed out. I never imagined that I would send my child to daycare, or miss moments of his life. Now that I spend every day with him I find myself devastated to think that I would miss moments of his life and strangers will get to experience them, even if it's only for a few months. Too bad Mason doesn't have the option of taking off work for a few months.

So while it makes me feel horrible to think about going back to work, the thought of actually being done working makes me sad too. I took Theo to school on Friday to meet some of my friends and students. It made me realize that while I didn't really miss work, I did miss my students. CAN I PLEASE JUST BRING THEO TO WORK WITH ME!!!!! My students were so excited to see him. They asked the funniest questions, but then a few of them said to me, "Mrs. Kehs, don't leave us, you just look like you aren't coming back and everyone leaves us." There's been lots of change over since I've started...so tear at my heartstrings some more. So I find my self looking for a path of deconfliction, and think of Frost while I contemplate my decisions that lie ahead.

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20