It's hard to say no

Generally I find myself as a people pleaser, or at least I don’t like conflict, to the point where I will just avoid conversations. However the conversations in my head or the conversations that get played out in front of Mason are quite hyped up...not that they go anywhere.

Recently my supervisor for my online teaching job asked me if I would be interested in possibly working some more hours and increasing my position. So after a few conversations I said sure, I'd be interested in more information. It turned out she wanted me to apply for a full-time, high school, social studies position for a private school under the same companies umbrella. I went back-and-forth about it but ultimately decided to apply and see where the process would take me.

When I did the phone interview this week I learned more about the program and what the job would entail. Essentially 20 hours a week I would be a grader for 450 to 500 students, the other 20 hours a week would be divided into five, 4 hour shifts where I would need to be available by phone to answer student questions about assignments or topics related to their courses.

I deliberated quite a bit and talk things out with Mason and a few friends I ultimately decided that right now this would not be the best commitment for me, and for our family. A few of the deciding factors were that it was for social studies and while I am qualified in that area it is not my stronger subject area.  Having to be available 20 hours a week, in specific time slots, to answer the phones would be a little bit challenging with Max at home and I was not willing to put him in childcare.  Mason will potentially be traveling a lot in the next year and a full time position would be challenging for me while juggling him being gone, plus we hope to travel with him at least once or twice which would also create some obstacles. 

I am really grateful that Mason's job allows me to be home with the kids.  While some days are really exhausting and tiring I enjoy the flexibility that I currently have with my current positon and the ability to be home. Perhaps in the future that type of position would work out when Max is in preschool or full-time school or perhaps a full-time position in the current section I’m already working in would be possible, but I decided to decline the position.  This was really hard for me because I wanted to say yes.  I wanted to make it work.  I wanted to be a financial contributor to my family.  But, Mason and I both know this would mean long evening hours for me, time away from Max, and things would slack in other areas.  Right now, those aren't areas I want to slack in.  We've worked really hard to get where we are and we're in a great spot with our kiddos and marriage, and this isn't a time when I want to strain that, but it was hard to say no thanks.